


Happy Solstice

by bornforwar_archivist



Series: Happy Solstice [1]
Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-06 22:59:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11046114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By Eris'Sup all - Before you think I've lost it, hear me out. One of the funniest authors in the world (Jade) has inspired me to write a less then serious X/A fanfic. I've been wanting to for some time now but I couldn't think of a topic. Then while suffering through a bout of insomnia, I was struck. (It was stormy outside and a chandeler fell.) When I came to, I had the idea of this story. Why not explain why Ares is so...well, screwed up. Everyone knows that he is an angry angry GOW, but why? I think its because of his seriously disfunctional family. The following is an account of a normal (by Olympain standards) family gathering. Enjoy. (Please dont kill me, its all in good fun. Plus I warned you that this story is screwed up.)





	Happy Solstice

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Sup all - Before you think I've lost it, hear me out. One of the funniest authors in the world (JADE) has inspired me to write a less then serious X/A fanfic. I've been wanting to for some time now but I couldn't think of a topic. Then while suffering through a bout of insomnia, I was struck. (It was stormy outside and a chandelier fell) When I came to, I had the idea of this story. Why not explain why Ares is so......well screwed up. Everyone knows that he is an angry angry gow but why? I think its because of his seriously dysfunctional family. The following is an account of a normal (by Olympian standards) family gathering. Enjoy (please don’t kill me, its all in good fun. Plus I warned you that this story is screwed up.) 
> 
> Disclaimers - The characters are theirs not mine. Im just borrowing them and I promise they will be returned with a lil wear and tear but no worse for the wear (RYHME TIME)
> 
> Sex warning - nothing graphic, just a lil hinting
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> Violence warning - a little (lot) family feuding but no killing.
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> Herc bashing - yes I am a registered member of IHH and instead of paying dues I bash the big guy
> 
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> Ares bashing - Had to do it. Sorry.
> 
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> -To cut things short lets just say I bash everyone, X?
> 
> Oh and this is a X/A story. If you dont like the fact that Xena and Ares got a thang (cause you know they do) or the fact that Gabster and Xena are just buds (cause you know they are) then this story isn't for you. (and you are delusional cause Xena and Ares are great together and you know it!)
> 
> Long enough Disclaimer section? I wonder if I broke any records.....no? Well then lets add some
> 
> In this story Xena and Ares are together already. I don't know how and I don't know why. They just are. It is some where in the 3rd season and Gabster got ditched (blonde or Ares. blonde or Ares hmmmm) 
> 
> I think that is it.....Have fun and TA TA ------->

**Barthox rushed to the temple well, hurriedly pulling up the bucket. Wanting to get out of the cold as soon as possible, he dumped the water into his pitcher, splashing it on the stone well. Grabbing the pitcher, he ran along his makeshift path back to the temple. A burst of warm air greeted him as he opened the door and gave a young woman the water. "Thank you. I hate you having to go out in weather like this, but you know how he can get." Maive said, giving a smile while handing him a cup of warm tea. "Yeah. If he is some all powerful god of war, why can't he get his own damn water ya' know?!" Barthox replied angrily, taking a sip of his drink. Shrugging her shoulders, the priestess walked past him and down the hall. Walking into the large bedroom, she gave a small bow before hurrying over to her master. "Here sire. He just got it from the well. I hope it's what you wanted." Bowing again, she rushed from the room, shutting the door tight behind her. Maive knew how her sire could get when angered, and disturbing him and Xena was one way to get him angry.**

 

Ares lazily accepted the water, placing it on a nearby nightstand. After the priestess exited, Ares gave a slight groan and turned to Xena. Reaching in his pocket, he pulled out five dinars and placed them in her awaiting hand. "I told you I was right Ares." She exclaimed happily, accepting her payment. Ares gave a slight shrug as he pulled his standing princess onto the bed beside him. After waiting for her to situate herself, he whined. "How was I supposed to know that? I mean, I knew that Barthox was stupid, but to walk half a mile in a blizzard to get me _water_? That is just ..just idiotic." Xena nuzzled her head into the crease of his neck, and looked cockily at her lover. "Stop making excuses. I was right and you were wrong. Now I want the rest of what you owe me." She said seductively as she slid her arms around his neck. Looking down at Xena, Ares gave her an innocent look. "What ever do you mean, my dear. I have already given you the five dinars. What more do you want?"

Xena sat up and pulling his face up to hers, passionately claimed Ares' mouth. "You" She whispered, before taking another kiss. Ares wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her almost bare body into his. Ares' steamy payment was interrupted, however, as a bright light exploded in the center of the room. Apollo appeared from the aether, an almost giddy look on his face. His eyes rested on Xena for a moment, her clothing being no more than a tight fitting shift. As he noticed his brother's angered expression, Apollo removed his gaze from the warrior women's outfit, and focused on Ares. "Having fun?" He asked, throwing a look at Ares bare chest. The annoyed god of war started to roll over to grab his sword but was stopped by Xena. "Not right now Ares. He obviously wants something. So just see what it is so we can get back to business." She purred in his ear, moving her hand under the cover to wrap around his midsection. "Fine. What do you want little brother?" Ares yelled impatiently, wanting more then anything to 'get back to business'.

"Hey. Don't get mad at me, dude. I'm just the messenger. Zeus wants your ass in his throne room ASAP, so move it or lose it lover boy." Apollo said before leaving from threat of being BBQ'd. "Jerk off." Ares muttered as he slipped from the bed and reached for his shirt. "This won't take long my princess, _please_ hold that thought." Giving her one last kiss, Ares disappeared, leaving behind an extremely annoyed Xena.

"'Sup mom. Apollo said dad wanted to see me...." Ares managed to get out before his mouth was covered by a manicured hand. He had just transported himself to his parent's place and found Hera busy reading a love scroll in the living room. "Your father is seriously pissed, Ares. If I were you, I'd pick a better day to visit." She warned before removing her hand from his mouth. Getting his mother's less then subtle hint, Ares kissed her on the cheek and prepared to leave. "Just one minute, son." Blasted from the doorway as Zeus walked into the room. "Don't leave yet. We have a few _things_ to discuss." A smirk formed on Zeus' lips as he walked over to his son, and grabbed him by the ear. "Ooowwww. Daaaaaaaaad." Ares whined as he struggled to get from his father's grip. Hera coolly rose from her seat and, popping Zeus on the head with her scroll, forced her husband to let go. "Don't be so mean, Zeus. You can talk to the boy without using so much _violence_!" She scolded, patting her favorite son affectionately on the head. "Now pookie. You go _talk_ this over with your father. But if he gives you any trouble you just call mommy, ok sweetie?" Ares smiled innocently at his mother, and turned to follow Zeus. "Yeah mom." Forcing a smile, Zeus led his son from the room and closed the door behind them. The two made the short trip to the throne room in complete silence, neither one venturing to speak to the other.

Ares nervously walked into the room, looking to his father every few seconds to gauge his emotions. The king of the gods kept a blank face on their journey however, causing Ares to grow more frightened by the second. Not that Ares was scared or anything it was just the fact that Zeus could eradicate him off the face of the earth that made Ares a bit jumpy. Taking a seat in his father's throne Ares forced a tight smile. "So dad....How is everything?" Rolling his eyes, Zeus levitated the god of war from the throne and threw him into a distant wall. Ares body slid down the wall, falling to the ground with a loud thud. Dusting himself off, Ares stood and turned to the doorway. "MO.." Before Ares could finish, a lightening bolt came speeding towards him. Diving to the floor, he rolled behind a column to escape his enraged father.

"Don't you even think of calling that harpy in here, boy. She is bad enough on a normal day but when she thinks someone is hurting her precious 'pookie' she's an all out bitch." Zeus growled at his son, a lightening bolt waiting if Ares was dumb enough to come out. Ares saw blood red at his father's comment. No one he knew was suicidal enough to insult _him_ , but to insult his _mother_?! If only that bastard wasn't the king of the gods........."Ares will you get your ass from behind there?! I do think you are old enough for us to sit down and talk this over like two adults, don't you?" Reasoned Zeus, still holding an ever-growing bolt behind his back. Ares, grabbing his sword just in case, peeked from behind his 'shield'. Seeing no immediate danger, he edged from behind the column, and walked up to his father. Keeping his weapon pointed in Zeus' direction, Ares breathed a small sigh of relief. "Ok. You want to talk. I can do thaaa...." Ares eyes grew wide in fear as he saw the evil grin spread across his father's face.

He dived to the ground yet again; this time barely missing the lightening bolt aimed directly at his head. "Will you _please_ stop throwing those damn bolts at me! What happened to talking like two adults?!" Ares questioned frantically as Zeus formed another bolt. "Oh we're going to talk. But I'm still getting you back for bringing your mother into this." With a wave of his hand, Zeus flinged the lightening bolt at Ares, knocking him into another column and sticking his sword in the opposite wall. "And I don't think you'll be needing your little toy right now son." He commented, looking at Ares' sword buried deep in a picture of Athena. The god of war gave a loud groan as he slumped into a mound on the marble floor. "Are you quite finished? If you didn't notice pops, I was kinda in the middle of something when surfer boy showed up." Ares grumbled, weakly rising. Zeus gave a little frown and walked over to his throne. "Fine. Sit down, this won't take long." Sitting down, Zeus waved his hand and made a child's chair appear beside him.

"Good." Ares muttered, looking wearily at the red rocker at his father's side. After receiving an icy glare from Zeus, Ares managed to squeeze into the chair. "This is about your brother Hercules..." Zeus started before being interrupted by a now grumpy Ares. "Half-brother. You know I don't claim that bast...." He stops as Zeus starts to form another bolt in his hand. "As I was saying. Solstice is almost here, and your mother has gotten in the _mood_. She's decided that instead of just exchanging gifts this year, thanks for the priestess by the way, we are going to have a family _thing_." Ares cocked his head at his grumbling father. "What do you mean, _thing_?!" "She wants the entire family to stay here for the holiday. Just like when you were children. She says it has something to do with bonding, or something like that. I wasn't paying that much attention." Ares crossed his arms over his chest and stuck out his bottom lip. "But daaaaad. I alreeaady haave plaans for Solstiice!" He whined from his little chair.

"Oh do shut up Ares! We all have _plans_ for Solstice. But to make that Bacchae in there happy, we are going to have to sacrifice, got it?!" "Fine....but what does this have to do with Jerkules?" Ares asked sarcastically, more than a little angry from his plans being cancelled. "Well that is why I called you. Since _all_ the family is going to be here, I'm going to need you to be on your best behavior." Ares leapt to his feet, taking the chair with him. "How in Hades is that son of a Bacchae part of this?! Think of how Olympus would be if we welcomed all our bastard children into this _great_ family!" He roared at the throne. "This is exactly what I'm talking about. You can't go for more than five minutes without losing your temper. And will you get that chair off your ass before I blast it off!" Ares looked behind him, and rolling his eyes, pulled off the rocker. "I DO NOT HAVE A TEMPER!" He yelled after looking back at his father. "Prove it. I'll bet that you can't go the entire holiday without blowing your top." "You....bet? Fine. I'll call your bluff, but what's in it for me?"

Zeus rose from his throne to face his son. "Well. I've heard about the spat between you and Athena over control of some city in Greece." "That's Corinth." "Yeah whatever. If you can control your temper the whole time, it's yours. If not, Athena gets it." Zeus walked over to the wall and pulled out Ares' sword. "It's that simple. You think you're god enough to give it a try?" Zeus dared, handing Ares his sword. "On one condition. I get to bring someone. If I'm going to be stuck here for a week _and_ I'm not allowed to lose it, then I'll need back up." "Fine. Bring your little girlfriend if you like. Now get out of my house. I need a few days rest before I lose my mind." Ares sheathed his sword and walked into the aether. 'Too late' He thought as he left his father to watch Athenian mud wrestling on his godTV.

"Honey I'm h......What in the name of Kronus is going on here?!" He yelled, surveying his bedroom. The covers from the bed were lying on the floor, while the sheets were hanging from the rafters. Ares reached down to retrieve his stuffed bear 'Mr. Snuggles' from under the bed, when he noticed a pair of gray pants. "What the......I don't have any gray pa........" Furious, Ares scanned the room looking for any signs of Xena. His eyes rested upon a long trail of clothing made up of a shirt, a pair of boots and finally his beloved's leather shift. The trail led directly into the throne room. Stalking cautiously to the doorway, Ares heard loud laughter coming from the room. "Shh. Someone might hear us." Xena loudly whispered through her chuckles. Enraged, Ares blasted into the room, sending a flaming door flying into the opposing wall. All eyes turned to the war god as he filled the doorway, his dark eyes almost flaming with anger. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!" He roared to no one in particular.

Xena spun quickly around as a piece of door sailed into Hephestas, sending him flying into a giant statue of Ares. "Like Surprise!" Aphrodite yelled as she jumped from behind the throne. "Oh yikes. Way bad timing 'Dite." She mumbled as she caught a glimpse of her fuming brother. Xena rushed to Ares' side, wrapping herself around his arm. "Bad day?" She said nervously, forcing a smile. Receiving no reaction, Xena waved her hand in front of his blank face. "OLYMPUS TO ARES, COME IN ARES" Ares shook his head, finally absorbing all he had seen. "But..you..'Dite..pants...."He muttered incoherently, looking around the newly decorated room. Gold, red, and green ribbons were hung from the ceiling, meeting at the top of a large pine towering in the center of the floor. The tree was decorated with various silver and black weapon-shaped ornaments, while a large homemade sign greeted all visitors. "We were decorating for Solstice. Hence the _Solstice Decorations_ " Xena explained. "But..What happened to your clothes?" Ares questioned, looking at her and Heph's matching robes. "We were painting the sign and didn't want to get our clothes dirty." Aphrodite walked up beside Ares and hit him in the arm "Yeah like duh Ar. What did you think we wer......Oh heinous Bro, that is like so groddy." Hephestas gave a slight groan as he lifted the still burning slab of wood off of his chest. "Nice to see you too, Ares." He mumbled under his breath before walking over to the group.

Ares looked at his beloved, a confused look still painted on his face. "Why are you decorating for Solstice? You know I hate _celebrating_ stuff like that." "But Ar." Aphrodite interrupted "You so like promised that me and Xe could have a totally bitchin' party for Solstice!" Looking at his sister and then down at Xena, Ares consented. "Fine Fine. Do what ever you want, I don't care." A "Thank you Bro" and "Thanks hon" fell on his ears as he retreated to his throne. He sighed dramatically as he plopped into his seat and threw one leg over the side. 'How am I ever going to tell them about that damn family get together?' He worried as he watched the three run around like happy children.

His thoughts were interrupted, however, as a loud beeping filled the throne room. "Oh that's like me!" Aphrodite exclaimed as she looked at her hip. "Come on baby, Daddy wants us like right now. Something about Solstice." "See ya later Xena." Hephestas bid farewell as he was grabbed by Aphrodite and pulled into the aether.

Xena waved goodbye to her friends and continued to decorate the room. "Uh, Xena. Can we talk for a minute?!" Ares asked meekly, watching in apprehension as Xena happily started putting little red noses on all of his statues. "Yeeees....." The warrior princess asked as she walked over to her love and stuck a little red nose on his face. With a sigh, Ares took it off and pulled Xena onto his lap. "Oooh..Ok Something tells me this isn’t _good_." "No it's ok. Its just well uh when I went to my parents place, remember when I left and uh I well you see Zeus he and uh well mom she.....Exactly how set are you on this whole solstice party thing?!" Ares finally spit out before shifting his gaze elsewhere. His princess simply shook her head as she waited for an excuse.

On Olympus, an extremely impatient Athena sat in her father's waiting room, sharpening her sword. Gulping, the god king's secretary buzzed her boss. As she tightly gripped the receiver, the ditzy mortal whispered in a hurried tone "I think you need to get out here NOW! She's looking at me funny and I think...." Her frantic plea was interrupted however as the throne room doors flew open, revealing an extremely pissed goddess of love. "This is like SO freakin' unfair!" She whined as she stormed from the room, pulling her husband behind her.

"Zeus will see you now" The frightened and completely confused receptionist informed Athena from the safety of her desk. Athena gave the blond a thorough look over, causing the mortal to squirm in her seat. 'Bambi' The goddess thought as she read the woman's nametag. "Nice name. So, what are yo......" Athena was interrupted as her father's voice blared over the intercom. "Athena, get your narrow ass in here and stop messing with my secretary!" Annoyed, Athena winked at Bambi and entered the throne room.

"Will you please tell me, what was SO important that you had to interrupt the uh....training of my new priestesses?!" She demanded to know as she sat herself on the cushioned armchair newly furnished by Zeus. "Pipe down dearest, I've got news that is just going to make your day." Zeus took a sip of his bootleg ambrosia, letting his daughter wait. "Well what is it dammit?!" Yelled a frustrated Athena, anxious for her father to get on with it. "Well if you're going to yell, I might as well....." The king of the gods rose to leave but was stopped as Athena grabbed him by the arm, beckoning him to sit. "Father! Will you PLEASE just tell me? I'm very busy and..." "Fine Fine. I just wanted to tell you that Corinth is yours. Well, almost." "What do you mean?! There is no way you're going to get that stubborn son of a Bacchae to give it up, short of torture!" "Not necessarily.." Athena crossed her arms and pouted. 'No torture?' "I've got him where he has no chance of winning. If and when he loses his temper at our Solstice get together, the city is yours!" The goddess of wisdom happily jumped up and down shouting "I get Corinth, Ares is a loser, Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha" Suddenly she stopped her celebration. "What do you mean SOLSTICE GET TOGETHER?!" She asked angrily, giving her father her best 'You-better-not-be-saying-what-I-think-you're-saying' look.

"Don't start Athena. It wasn't MY idea. Besides, I thought you would be happy. I mean if you get to out do Ares yet again AND get the city, isn't a little family bonding well worth it?" Crossing her arms over her chest, Athena let out a dramatic sigh before disappearing. "I hate it when your REASONABLE!" Leaning back in his throne, Zeus happily grinned 'What a day What a day! I get to annoy the Hades out of my kids, ruin Ares entire YEAR and give my precious her way yet again. I could almost kiss Hera…Almost."

"PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE!!!" Ares begged, following Xena as she moved quickly around the bedroom. Grabbing a nightgown from the closet, Xena continued to pack her bags unfazed. "I'm sorry Ares, I already told you I can't. I promised Mom I'd spend Solstice with her and Gabrielle. You'll just have to go alone" In a huff Ares took the large suitcase off the bed and sat down. "But princess! Can't you just do it anyway!" "Aren't you a little old for whining?" Finished with her chore, Xena sat beside her lover. "Besides, it can't be all THAT bad." Ares cut his eyes at Xena before giving a loud groan and plopping back on the pillows. "You're right, it's worse. Everyone is going to be there. Zeus blaming me for everything, Mom nagging at me to dress different, Athena talking about how great she is, Apollo BREATHING! And I can't start one fight or lose my temper once the whole time!!"

Ares jumped off the bed, and grabbing Xena's hand, got down on his knees in front of her. "Xena, my beautiful, sexy, wonderful, understanding princess…You can’t let me do this alone! Please please please please please PLEASE! I'm begging here!" Shaking her head, Xena tries hard not to look at Ares. "I can't. I'm sorry. It's not my fault you made a foolish bet an…." She was cut off when she gazed into the god of war's deep brown eyes as he silently pleaded from in front of her. "It's not working Ares, so stop looking at me like that." He realized he had her, so just in case Ares stuck out his bottom lip. "I said stop it!" Xena ordered, giving him the look. Immediately all pleading puppy dog looks were halted and replaced by a slightly angry scowl. "Fine Fine! I can take a hint! I know when I'm not wanted. I'll just go by myself…" Ares started to disappear but was stopped by his beloved.

"Wait. Just wait a minute. I think I have a way that everyone can be happy." Ares perked up immediately, waiting for the good news. "Well, Gabrielle needs me to go with her so she isn't stuck with my mother, Autolycus, and the gang by herself. And you need me to help you with your family. So, I'll just go to Olympus with you…" "YES!!" "And take Gabrielle with us." "NO!!" Shocked to the point of nausea, Ares falls backward onto the bed. "NO NO NO NO NO AND NO!" "Stop throwing a temper tantrum, she is NOT that bad. Maybe a little…well a lot talkative but if you really want me to come you are going to have to deal with it!" Ares muttered "Fine" under his breath and stared in silent anger at the ceiling. Sensing her partner's mood, Xena moved in to rectify it. Straddling the pouting Ares, she playfully twirled a strand of dark hair between her fingers. The god instantly took the hint and pulled Xena onto him for a kiss. "Still upset over the whole Gabby thing?!" She asked in a whispered tone before taking a quick kiss. "What Gabby thing?"……..

A few, Ok, five hours later. - Xena peeked out from under the blood red covers to see an extremely confused bard looking through the bedroom doors. "Uh Xena? Are you ready to go?" "Ooops. Uh well Gabrielle I kinda need to talk to you about that." Wrapping the sheet around her form, Xena went over to her friend. "I'll be right back Ares." Now coverless, the not so clothed Ares lays on the bed, watching her leave "Sure. Why not. Just leave me here like THIS! I'll just WAIT!"

Xena shut the door behind her, leaving Ares to his own devices. "Oh I missed you so much!" She exclaimed, enveloping her ex-sidekick in a huge bear hug. "Do you mind…Not." Gabrielle wiggled her way out of the warrior's grip, a frown on her features. "I missed you too, but you have Ares cooties so…" "Not you too! Why can't you two just get along dammit! I mean I love you both and you can't even TRY for me!" Xena laid the guilt on thick, loud enough for Ares to hear also. "Do you two even realize how hard it is for me when the two most important people in my life can't stand one another!" With enough crocodile tears to make Dite envious, Xena sat down on Ares' throne. Gabby ran over to her friend, giving her a reassuring hug. "I'm sorry Xena. I'll try to get along with him, I really will." The now dressed god of war walked into the room, a guilty look on his face. "Yeah, baby. I'm sorry too." He said in a barely inaudible tone. "It really doesn't bother me if she comes with us to Olympus. Actually I think it was a great idea." He walked over to the two women and sat on the arm of the large skeleton chair. Xena wiped the well-placed tears from her cheeks and looked up innocently at the two. "You guys are so good to me!" She turned her attention to Ares "Hon, can you leave us alone for a minute. You need to pack your things anyway." Muttering under his breath, Ares went back into the bedroom to allow the girls a bit of privacy. "What did he mean me going with you to Olympus? I thought we were going to your mom's?"

"Weeeelll....That's the thing. Ares got stuck going to some family reunion thing for the holidays and it would be inhuman to make him go through that alone. And since I very well can't dump you off with those nutballs we call friends then I decided you should come too. Now I know this wasn't exactly wha...." Xena's explanation tapered off as she noticed the bard jumping up and down around the temple. "I GET TO GO TO OLYMPUS!!! BY THE GODS, THIS IS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!!" She screamed excitedly, still dancing around the room. Xena cautiously got up from the throne and moved towards her friend. "So you mean you're not upset?" She questioned quietly, waiting for the girl to stop with the jumping already. "No way, Xena! This is a bard's dream come true. I actually get to see what the gods of Olympus are really like in all their GLORY!!" The warrior princess barely controlled her herself as Gabrielle continued to prance around like she was just chosen Ms. known-world or something.

"Are you two DONE now?!" Was yelled from the couple's bedroom as the war god grew impatient. "Yes, we're don.." Before Xena could finish her return yell, Ares had appeared beside her, anxiously squirming. Suppressing a giggle, Xena grabbed Ares by the arm and forced him to sit. "Stop that! What in the name of Athena's metal bra are you doing?" She questioned. Ares tried sitting still, but after 3.2 seconds, he was up again, this time tapping his foot impatiently. His princess raised an eyebrow and pulled him close for a few answers. The couple whispered a moment, then Xena plopped back down on the throne. Trying her hardest not to burst into hysterical laughter, she tried to calm Ares.

"I'm so sorry honey. I shouldn't have left like that."

"That's for damn sure. You just don't DO that to a guy, ya know?!?!"

"Well baby, couldn't you take care of that yourself?"

"Nooooo! I tried but it just didn't do the same as when you fix it!"

"Don't get upset about it Ares. I told you I was sorry....."

"But Xeeennnaa! You just can't LEAVE me like this! It would be cruel. What would everyone say??"

"It can't be that noticeable...."

"Oh yes it is!"

"Just let me see it and I'll take care of it for you ok?"

"WAIT A MINUTE!!!"

The couple stopped mid-argument to see a very disgusted and uncomfortable bard holding her hands up in a surrendering position. "I really think I should be going now. You two go ahead and take care of, uh, whatever and I'll just be in the other room ok?" With that Gabrielle turned to retreat. "Wait a minute Gabrielle. Don't go anywhere, this shouldn't take that long anyway so I'll just fix him and we'll leave." "HEY! What do you mean _it won't take long_?! It's very big and I thi....." "Oh shut up Ares!" With him quiet, Xena turned back to Gabrielle. "It won't be more than a few minutes at the most. Besides, if you help me we can get this done in half the time." Gabrielle's face instantly turned the same color as her BGSB. Looking to Ares, the bard pleaded for some backup on the matter. She found none. "She does have a point Blondie...." "WHAT?!?!" Feeling extremely sick to her stomach, Gabrielle sits on the floor, her head in her hands. "You don't want to help, fine by me!" A little annoyed, Xena got up from the throne and waited for Ares. "Weeelll?! What are you waiting for?! Get over here so we can get this done with!" Sighing, Ares walked over to Xena and wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close. "Hey Hey Hey! Business first lover boy!" Xena scolded as she pulled away. Ares simply rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers. In the throne appeared a black leather suitcase, filled to capacity with the buckles almost breaking. "SEE?!?! Told ya it won't right!"

Xena unzipped the suitcase cautiously, frightened at what it might contain. Looking inside, she saw among other things : A Mace, A pair of furry handcuffs, holey socks, 10 boxes of original Trojans, A leather whip, a porcelain black elephant, The latest issue of warlord weekly, A burnt Hercules comic book, Kamas, 2 kegs of ambrosia, A box of clintons (cigars that is), and Mr. Snuggles (complete with 3 changes of clothes). Rolling her eyes, Xena looked up at Ares, who at the moment was shamefully shuffling his feet and muttering something about those being the dire necessities. "Honey...Not to be..blunt but do we really need this?!" Xena holds up a roll of double-ply toilet paper. "Weeeeell...You can never be too prepared - right?" Xena simply shakes her head and throws it into the useless-crap-we-don’t-need pile.

After packing his bag with actual clothes (and to steer clear of an episode - Mr. Snuggles too), Xena got dressed in more than a sheet, gathered her own things and prepared to leave. "Is that everything?" She finally questioned as they locked up the temple.

"Yes ma'am"

"Blow out all of the candles and torches"

"Yes ma'am"

"Feed the vulture"

"Yes ma'am"

"Pay all of the priestess'"

"Yes ma'am"

"Remember to tell Discord to meet you in her room as soon as Xena's asleep?" Gabrielle interjected quickly, an evil grin on her face. "Yes ma'am...Wait a fuck!" Ares yelled, looking at Gabrielle then Xena "Uh baby I uh I mean I didn’t she is uh a I mean....." Xena wrapped her arms around Ares' neck and pecked him on the lips "Shut up and lets go" "Yes ma'am"

On Olympus, the various gods were gathered in the front parking lot, not wanting to be the first to enter the palace. Ares weaved his chariot around the various pedestrians, attempting to beat Athena to the 'War deity' parking place. "Hold on girls" He yelled as he snapped the reins and urged his Pegasus forward. Suddenly, Artemis pulled out in front of him, causing both chariots to swerve out of the way and land upside down. "DAMMIT!" Ares fumed as he pulled himself from the wreckage and watched Athena triumphantly pull into 'his' spot. "Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit!!" "Shut up Ares and get me out of here!" Xena hollered from her position beneath the flipped chariot. "Oops. Sorry 'bout that..." Ares snapped his fingers and the wreckage flipped it's self right side up. He then offered his hand to the warrior princess, helping her out before giving a little bow. "You are so sweet baby." "I know..." The couple was about to start making out when a loud whining could be heard emanating from the chariot's backseat.

"Ewwww! Could you two stop sucking face and help me out of here?!" Xena pulled back from her lover and gently nudged him in Gabrielle's direction. "What...She can get out by herself!" "Ares!" "But Xeeennna! Don't make me TOUCH the bard!" Xena grabbed Ares by his black leather vest and pulled him to her. "Help her out....Or I share a room with Aphrodite!" She pushed him away and impatiently tapped her foot, waiting for him to move. Muttering something about blackmailing girlfriends, Ares lifted Gabby from the chariot and placed her on the ground. "Now that wasn't bad, was it?" Xena asked as she wrapped her arms around the war god's waist and gave him a peck on his lips. "Actually it was. I'm never getting the bard smell out of my clothes. And I'm not even starting on the..." Ares' ranting was out short as Dite ran up to them, pulling an annoyed looking Hephestas behind her.

"Xe! Bro!" The goddess of love squealed as she enveloped the two in a large bear hug. "Dite....Can't....Breathe" Ares choked out, prying himself from the pink deathtrap. "Sorry big bro! I'm just majorly psyched that you guys are her....Hey is that Blondie?!?!" Aphrodite ran over to Gabrielle and gave her a large hug, lifting the young bard off of the ground. Plopping her down, Aphrodite started to relay to the girl the events of the past, oh, three centuries in all of two and a half minutes.

Rolling his eyes, Ares looked around front yard to see who had already arrived. 'Hmmm..Looks like Athena got a new chariot. Wonder who she had to screw to get that...Virgin goddess my as....' Ares stopped his thoughts short as a flash of familiar fire flashed across the sky, zagging in various directions. "Hades is drunk already?" He muttered to himself as he stared intently at the sky. However, Ares soon noticed a wisp of dark red hair flying out of the chariot, a sight that caused his eyes to grow wide and his pulse to quicken. "Hey bro. Like wuz up with Hades. He's driving like a harpy out of tartero....." The goddess of love was cut off as an ear-piercing scream echoed through the heavens. "Um....I don't think that Hades!" As the out of control chariot raced towards the group, Aphrodite and her hubby disappeared while Ares grabbed Xena and the bard and dived with them to the ground. Coming dangerously close to the two mortal's heads the chariot then came to a grinding halt, inches from the Olympian castle.

"WOO HOO!! THAT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER!!!" The scantily clad goddess screamed from her place at the helm of the now smoking chariot. In the back of the vehicle lie Hades, rolled into the fetal position and sucking his thumb. Looking around to see all of Olympus staring at him intently, the god of the underworld quickly straightened up and jerked the reins from the girl's hands. "Give me that!!" He screamed, obviously angering the red head seeing as she kicked him in the shins and stalked from his chariot.

"BRO!!!" Ares shakily looked up from his place on the ground to see his sister, Eris, staring at him intently. "Yo. Wuz up? Who's the blond chick?" Eris motioned to Gabrielle, who was, at the moment, being squished by the god of war. "Xena! Help! I'm being suffocated by Ares' leather clad BUTT!!! HELP ME!!" Xena pried her friend from underneath Ares, giving him a motherly smack up side the head for good measure. "You mind not asphyxiating my friends?! They're like ferns or something. Really hard to keep alive!" The two women stood, backing away slowly from the red menace. "Um. Hi Eris." Xena muttered, taking yet another step backwards. For some reason trouble seemed to follow Eris as well as Ares. And since she was already screwing the GOW, she had enough trouble to last a life time.

"Is anyone going to answer me?!?" Eris, much to the groups' annoyance, followed them into the palace, talking a days-journey-a-candle-mark. "Xena?!?! Ar?!?! ANYONE?!?!" Eris stomped her foot in true temper tantrum form, causing all windows in range to be blow into bits by a surge of energy. "I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE IGNORE ME!!!" More explosions. Ares grabbed Eris by the shoulders, causing her to look him in the eye. "Stop. Now." All destruction was halted as the young goddess grinned and gave her brother a peck on the cheek before skipping sweetly to her room. "Who in Hades wa....." Gabrielle stopped short as she gazed at the opulence surrounding her. "By the gods...." The hallway just entered by the bard seemed to stretch as far as she could see. The ceilings were as high as great trees, meeting the marble floors by way of gold adorned walls. The ceremonial solstice decorations hung everywhere, giving the already astounding hall a feeling of purpose. "I'm...I'm IN Olympus!! ME! I’M IN OLYMPUS!!! WOO HOO!!!!"

As the bard once again danced around happily, Xena took the opportunity to talk with Ares.

"So when you said everyone you meant EVERYONE. Shit!"

"It's not THAT bad, baby. At least we aren't here alone..."

The two looked at Gabrielle, who, at the moment, was busy trying to get the newly arrived Hermes to salsa dance with her.

"Ok. Well at least we have each other!"

"You say that like it's a good thing...."

Xena wrapped herself around her lover, losing herself in a passionate kiss.....until interrupted by loud coughing behind them.

"Go away or lose body parts!!" The god of war started the kiss again, only to be levitated 10 feet into the air and hurled into the nearest wall. "You will not talk like that in MY house! You understand me boy?!" Rising from his less then honorable position on the floor, Ares rose to stand face to face with his father. He quickly noticed the crowd gathering around them, wanting to see the mighty god of war get his butt kicked yet again. Not wanting to lose face, Ares took a deep breath and drew his sword. "Oh I understand PERFECTLY!" He yelled in reply, pointing the weapon menacingly at the king of the gods. Before the confrontation could go further, however, a blast of energy erupted from between them, causing Zeus to stumble back and Ares to fly into yet another wall.

"THAT IS IT! I AM FUCKING SICK OF FLYING INTO WALLS! I AM GOING TO KILL Y....Mama?!" Ares' attitude was instantly lost as Hera shimmered into view between him and his father. Hands placed on hips, she threw a menacing you-are-so-sleeping-on-the-couch look to her husband before turning attention to Ares. "I don't want to hear that kind of horrible language any more! Do you understand me, young man? I don't care how old you are, I'll still wash your mouth out with soap - just you try me!" "Yes ma'am.." Ares muttered in a barely audible tone as he once again got off the floor. "Now, enough with that! Lets get everyone into their rooms and then have a nice family dinner!" With a way too motherly look on her face, Hera smiled at the gods before her and waited for them to start moving. In the wake of such a terrifying ordeal, the Olympians did the only thing they could do. Hermes went to the basement to get drunk, Zeus disappeared to the mortal realm to pick up chicks and Ares held his princess tight in fear. "Kill me now......"

"Here you go! Now you get yourselves unpacked and get downstairs for dinner! I'm making your favorite my little snookums. Yes I am. Yes I am." With a final pinch of war god cheek, Hera skipped happily off to the kitchen to pop a few pills with an ambrosia chaser. The queen of the gods had just escorted the trio to their room for the holidays, accommodations which made Ares' temper show a bit more. "I CAN'T BELEIVE THIS!! I CAN'T FREAKIN BELEIVE THIS SHIT!!! Of all the freakin places to put us. Why Oh Why do the gods hate me so?" Looking through the doorway, Ares saw a room he hadn't seen in eons. His old bedroom. Complete with bunk bed, toy chest and nightlight, the sheer existence of such a place was enough to make the mighty god of war cringe with embarrassment and fear. "Is this our room.....Awwwwww. _Snookums_ this is ADORABLE!" Xena grabbed Ares' cheeks in mock motherly affection, cooing and awing at the surroundings through her blond companions' hysterical laughter.

"Snookums?! By the gods I can't...can't....can't....." Gabrielle started to tease but was instantly stopped as Ares unsheathed his sword and started towards her. "That's IT! You are going to DIE! NOW!" Ares swung the weapon wildly, missing the bard and slamming, instead, into the nearby doorway. "Uh..Xe?" He whined as he tried to pry his precious sword from its' place deep into the wood. Ignoring him, Xena walked into the room and surveyed the 'decor'. Then it hit her. The wooden weapons spilling from the toy chest, the black leather sheets on the top bunk of the bed, the nightlight in the likeness of a certain 'Mr. Snuggles'........ THIS WAS ARES ROOM! Gabrielle heard a loud noise beside her and turned to see her best friend rolling on the floor, laughing her ass off. "Uh...Xena? Are you ok?" Xena looked up to answer but as she once again gazed on her surroundings, she was guffawing again, this time with tears streaming down her cheeks.

"What?!? What in tarterous is so freakin funny that you can't do something as simple as unpry my sword from the wall?!" Ares fumed, still pulling at his weapon. Xena stopped her laughing long enough to throw a glance to the angered war god, after doing which she burst into laughter yet again. "WHAT?!?!" Laughter. 'Ok. It's official. She's lost it......' "Xena?!" More laughter. Ares was about this-close to throwing his beloved princess into a closet when a far too familiar female voice echoed from behind him. "My dear dear younger brother. How ever did a calamity such as _this_ occur?" "Huh?" Came his slick reply as Ares swirled around to see Athena holding his sword. The goddess of wisdom just shook her head and held up the weapon. "Me have sword. You no have sword. Ares understand?" "Oh...Hey wait a minute!!" Ares rushed his sister, reaching desperately for the object containing his godhood.

"Down boy! Back! Back!" She yelped running across the room, trying to stay away from the angry Ares. Deciding to play with Athena at her own game, Ares stood beside Gabrielle (and Xena who had by then stood and stifled her laughter to small giggles) and waited her out. "Give me my sword, Athena." "Um....NO" "Look I know that's the only sword you're every gonna be able to hold but that is no reason t...." "HEY!!!" Athena gave Ares a spiteful grin and twirled the weapon around. "Look. Either I keep your precious _little_ sword or we come up with a deal. A system of barter for you to retrieve your mantle fairly with us both the winners." "Huh?" "Give me something cool or I keep the sword!" "Oh.....What do ya want?" Athena shifted her gaze from her brother to the ever-listening bard. With a smile, she motioned for Ares to join her on the other side of the room for a more private discussion.

After much whispering and one very happy laugh from the god of war, the pair walked back to Xena and Gabrielle. "Hey, um bard chick...." "Gabrielle." "Yeah whatever. I was just telling my wonderful sis Athena over here about our room problem. Three people cramped in one lil bitty space, that can't be good. Well she so um _generously_ offered for you to share a room with her. She has the whole place to herself....." With a giant smile plastered on his face, he waited far too patiently (for him) for Gabrielle to have a fit and scream no way in his precious sis' face. He was still waiting when the bard began jumping up and down in celebration hollering such horrid things as 'I can't believe I get to share a room with the great goddess of wisdom' and 'This is going to be the coolest thing ever!!!' Gabrielle ran over to where a shocked Ares stood and enveloped him in a large hug. "Thank you so much Ares! You are the be...." "BARD GERMS! BARD GERMS!! AAAHHH!!" Pushing her away, Ares quickly fled from the bard and hid behind Xena. "My sword, please?" He asked when safely behind his princess. Athena rolled her eyes and dropped the weapon at his feet. "Nice doing business with you, brother. Oh and dad sent me in here to tell you all to come to dinner. Bye."

Athena threw a quick wave to Gabrielle and walked out of the room. "You didn't just do what I think you just did, did you?" The warrior princess questioned as she watched Ares lunge for his precious sword. The war god sheathed his sword and coolly faced Xena. "Me? What ever are you talking about, beloved? We were just chatting and Athena offered a place for Gabrielle to....." "Bullshit! I find you trying to get us alone very sweet. But when you trade my best friend to your lezbo sis for said aloneness, the sweetness just turns all sour." "Athena isn't a lezbo!" Xena looked at Ares with an I-can't-believe-he-expects-me-to-buy-that smirk on her face. "She is the patron goddess of Lesbos. And don't get me started on the looks I've gotten......" Ares stood for a moment, pondering just how straight his sis' line had been running over past eons. "Hmmmm....I've always wondered why she was the only goddess with priestesses.....EEEWWW!!!" Turning from the about to barf Ares, Xena glanced at Gabrielle. She spun around just in time to see the bard drop a glass figurine of Ares' symbol onto the marble floor, shattering it into billions of little symbol pieces. "Uh....Babe, I think we should go to dinner now." Xena quickly diverted, pulling Ares out of the room.

Ares was about to argue against being shoved around like that, but as they walked out of the room Xena wrapped her arm around his waist and all thoughts (well almost all) left his brain until they walked into the palace dining room. The large room was also decorated elaborately for the season, bows and wreaths shoved into every possible cranny. In the center of the room was an enormous table, filled with every god, goddess, and godling in Greece. Most of the Olympians had already taken their seats near the head of the table as numerous servants scurried around making even more places at the end for a few godlings. "What?" Ares questioned as he caught Xena staring around the room in awe. "Damn." She muttered as she looked from face to face to face....."You've got to have the biggest freaking family EVER!" "Well, Dad tries." As they stood watching with interest a cat fight between 'Dite and Discord, Gabrielle finally caught up to the couple. "Thanks for leaving me! By the time I realized I was alone, you guys were out of sight! I had to ask directions to the dining room! How could you do that to me, Xeeeennnnaaa!!!"

"Make it stop!" Ares whispered. "Hey Gabrielle. Look around." Xena commented to the bard before yet again grabbing Ares and walking to the table. "Thanks." Was whispered in the warrior woman's ear as Gabrielle stopped her yelling and stared in wonder at her surroundings. "Hi dad!" Ares said far too happily, hoping beyond hope his father would get the point that he did _not_ enjoy this one bit. "Hi son!" Zeus said far too happily, hoping beyond hope his son would get the point that he did _not_ enjoy this one bit. Ares angrily took his place at the table, soon to be wedged between Hera and Apollo. "Ok. Um...where do I sit?" Ares looked up from his brooding long enough to notice Xena standing uncomfortably beside him. "Um.....I guess you're just going to have to sit in my lap." "Oh I see you are hating that." "Well it's a sacrifice one must make." Grinning ear to ear, Ares helped his princess into his lap and then let his gaze wander around the table.

Zeus was sitting at the end of the table as usual, flirting with the servants as usual. On the king's right hand side was his mom's spot, with Athena sitting smugly at his left. Beside Athena was 'Dite and Hephestas, leaving Ares between his mom and his younger brother. The rest of the gods were seated down the line, ranked by power or in some cases (ahem - Athena) by preference of Zeus. "Hey Ares, I just realized something. Why in Hades is everyone walking around. You are all gods....." Sighing dramatically, Ares threw a look to his father and began to explain the situation to Xena. "A rule by the great Zeus. No powers at home. Wouldn't want some people to get jealous because we all aren't the same strength." Ares threw out another menacing look, this time in Athena's direction.

As the two war deities had a full-blown staring contest over the table, Xena looked around the entrance for Gabrielle. 'Oh great!! I lost her again! Why couldn't the bard just have worn the leash like I told her to!' As Xena was about to reach in her armor for the Gabwhistle, a servant pushed roughly through the crowd to squeeze a chair in between Zeus and Athena. The blond was soon to follow, making gagging faces at Ares and Xena as she sat down across from them. "Thank you, _Athena_! Since my so-called friend was too busy playing with the god of war's sword, I’m glad someone was kind enough to think about me!!" "Oh think nothing of it, my dear friend. It was but a small price to pay to have such a talented bard at the table with us this lovely evening." Athena said, ending the staring contest much to Ares' dismay. ('I was so close to winning this time!!') He wrapped his arm around Xena's waist and placed his head on her shoulder as Zeus rose to speak. Slamming his ambrosia filled goblet onto the table, the king of the gods called the room to some sort of order.

"Attention to all! That means you, Ares. Stop running your mouth and let me talk!" Ares just sighed, knowing full well that he had been the only one not talking but that it would be stupid to call his dad on it. Out right insolence during a family 'thing' wasn't the brightest of all things to do. So Ares chose sneaky insolence as he turned his back slightly to Zeus and started doing impressions of the god king for all to see. "Good. As I was saying. Thank you all for coming. I’m sure this will be a joyous family festivity......What is everyone laughing at damn it?!?!" The room promptly erupted into more laughter. Looking venomously at his son, Zeus was about to pounce when Hera entered the room. "Darling.....I do think everyone would like to get on with the dinner instead of hear you drone on and on all night, don’t you th.......What is tarterous is THIS?!" Hera stopped her rant to turn her attention to Ares and Xena. "We have _more_ than enough seats, don't you think so son? I don't know if this is how you do things where you are from young lady but I for one will not stand for such a display of scand....."

"Mother mother.....calm down. She's moving." Ares said getting up and placing a hand on his mother's shoulder. As a servant moved his princess to the other side of the table, Ares gave Hera a smile and a peck on the cheek. "Happy now...everything is taken care of." "That’s my snookums." Now happy once again, Hera sat beside her husband and began to talk about redecorating the bathroom with anyone that would listen. Ares sat down and when his mother's back was turned, ofcourse, flipped her off and mouthed bitch to his now separated Xena. Xena was placed beside Dite, thankful beyond belief not to be stuck between Athena and Gabrielle (roaming hands you know) "Sorry about that princess. My mother can be.....well she's Hera." "Nuff said." The two turned from their oh-so-enthralling conversation as Zeus rose from his seat...yet again.

"While we are all waiting for the food to arrive I think this would be a good time to hear from another member of the family. My sister Hestia has prepared a short speech to honor this great occasion. So let's please give her the whole of our attent....ARES!" The entire room turned to see the god of war trying to drown himself with a glass of water. As he noticed everyone looking at him, he calmly put the glass down and looked towards his dad. "Great pops. I'd _love_ to hear one of Auntie Hestia's speeches....." "That's better. So here she is." A tall, gentle appearing goddess made her way to the front of the room, book in hand. Her long graying hair was pulled back in a braid running down her back, and her clothes consisted of a flowing white robe with a golden belt.

"Good evening esteemed members of Olympus. Today is a great day indeed, for it marks not only a joyous gathering of family and dearest friends, but also the anniversary of when my distinguished older brother rose to power over our tyrannical oppressors. For such an occasion, I feel that I should speak on nothing less than the great things that Zeus has done during his reign." Hestia opened to the first page of her book and began reciting. "In the beginning of his reign......" Meanwhile, the god of war was amusing himself at the table. A bored Xena looked from the speaker to her lover, to find him balancing a butter knife on his finger. Deciding he looked way too bored, the warrior princess quietly slipped off her shoe and put her foot in Ares' lap.

Ares promptly jumped a bit in his seat and threw the knife at Athena. "Hey!" "Don't kick me anymooorr...Ok so that wasn't you. Nevermiiiinnnddd....." Ares tried to settle himself back in his seat as Athena simply rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Hestia. 'Moronic younger brother. Made me miss part of Hestia's wonderful speech. I'm so telling daddy!' Back in Ares land, the dark war god was having a very _hard_ (sorry couldn’t resist) time keeping still. Watching her boy toy fidget only made her even more excited, so Xena kept going with her enjoyable activities. And Hestia continued : "....then in the second month of the reign of the Olympians, the young Apollo somehow got locked in Tarterous. Being the kind and compassionate father, my brother dealt with the situation fairly and justly punished his older brother, who had put him there....." All of the room turned yet again to Ares as he fidgeted in his seat. Snickers erupted through out the dining hall as Ares turned bright red from the intense glare of the group and tried his hardest to still himself.

And Hestia continued : "...was during the fourth month that the first large argument broke ou......" Zeus was becoming sincerely worried about his son. Damn boy, wouldn't stop jumping around. Quietly he motioned for Apollo to get Ares' attention. "Ouch!" Ares felt an elbow connect harshly with his ribs and saw his brother happily point to Zeus. "Are you alright son? Have the furies taken control of you again? I don't know how many times I've warned...." "No, I'm fiiiiiine. Yeah, I'm great." And Hestia continued : ".....but as the titan went to grab the girl, he tripped over Aphrodite's shoe and......" Suddenly unable to stand it anymore, Ares jumped from his seat. "YES!" All eyes back to the war god. "I mean, yes Aunt Hestia! What a lovely story! Um...yeah...." "Well then!" Hestia slammed her book shut and with a huff, stormed from the hall.

Zeus sat in his seat for a moment, a small grin forming on his lips. 'Finally...a reason to fry someone!' The king of the gods jumped up and quickly aimed a lightening bolt at his son's head. "AAAHHH! MAMA!" With the agility of one who was far too accustomed to doing such things, Ares dived behind Hera and waited for the fight. His mother slowly walked up to Zeus and without a hint of fear in her being, grabbed him by the ear and forced him to get rid of the bolt. "That's better. This is _my_ party and I will have no fighting, understood?" Zeus weakly nodded, more worried about the blood flow to his right ear than anything else. "Good. Now Ares, I want you and your mortal tram...I mean your lady friend to go to your room without dinner......" "But maaaa maaaa!" Hera gave Ares the patented mama look and he grabbed his princess' hand and they retired for the night. "Stupid ass bi......" "I heard that young man!"

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Apollo walked somberly down the hall, wanting nothing more than to wrap himself in a cocoon of golden covers and rest for the night. Sadly, he knew this would not be possible. Not now nor during any other family get together would Apollo be given the option of merely _resting_ , because as far as his older brother was concerned he was both punching bag and crash test dummy. Resigning to his fate, the sun god walked into the 'boys' room. What he found there almost made him squeal with joy. No Ares waiting to tie him up and hang him upside down in the closet for the night. No Ares waiting to force-feed him dog food until he cried. No Ares waiting.........to do _anything_ to him! 'You have got to be fucking me!' Nevertheless, it was true, there stood his older brother.....busy talking to a mortal woman....not even CARING that he had entered the room. Ever so quietly and ever so cautiously, Apollo tiptoed to his bed, praying to every god, titan and water nymph he could think of that this spell of obvious insanity that had been cast over his brother would last through the night. "Hey Bro! Come here a minute, will ya?" No such luck.

"Yeah....." Apollo replied hesitantly as he turned towards his brother but still backed slowly to the safety of his bed. With that patented I'm-so-evil-something-bad-is-going-to-happen grin adorning his features, Ares took a confident step forward. That move was all the younger god needed. With the speed of a deer in chariot lights, Apollo took off for the bed. But, alas, he was not swift enough. For about three feet into his flight, he felt his legs go out from under him as Ares flying tackled him. "Not so fast, Apollo!" 'Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit......' The two rose slowly, both eyeing the other suspiciously. "I'm not going to _hurt_ you or anything! Calm down!" Ares said with a nervous laugh and a quick glance to his princess to see if she was buying. She was nowhere to be found. "Now where did I put her.....I swear I'd lose my sword if it didn't ya know hold my godhood....." "That never stopped you before......" Ares glared evilly at his brother's comment as an idea entered his mind.

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Xena took her lover's obsession with hurting his younger brother as a small opportunity to check on Gabrielle. Despite that whole dumping her in the middle of the woods one morning to shack up with the god of war, Xena did still wanted a friendship with the bard. Cause when all else fails, it's funny as Hades to watch that blonde get her ass kicked. With a grin placed on her face from thoughts of past adventures, Xena entered Athena's room.

"Hey, Xena! Look what Athena taught me to do!" With incredible ease, Gabrielle executed a backbend, holding the pose so that her friend could see. Athena gave a proud grin and helped the bard to her feet. "Yes Xena. It's something new I'm working on. I've named it yoga." 'Yoga.....is that what they call it now?....' "You can join us if you want, Xena. I've developed a series of great poses I'm sure you'd love." 'Hmmm.....Ares or Athena and Gabrielle...Ares or Athena and Gabrielle.....' Xena looked curiously at the two women as they prepared for another pose. 'Tough choice...' She thought while walking out of the door.

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The warrior princess soon remembered leaving Apollo alone in their bedroom with Ares, and, fearing for the sun god's safety, she rushed back down the hall. Running through the door, Xena found the room to be empty. 'What the.......' She thought, searching every place imaginable and still coming up Aresless. "Ok, Xena. Think." She muttered to herself, sitting on the bottom bunk of the bed. "If I were Ares and I had Apollo to do with as I pleased.....where in tarterous would I be?" It took the woman all of 2.1 seconds to realize where the two brothers were and, with urgency ringing in her ears, she took off for the throne room.

"Ok....Now just reach out and..." "I can't see it!" "Hold on, I'll lower you down some more..." Xena entered the throne room to see the two exactly where she had expected. On the balcony over the abyss of tarterous, with Ares lowering his brother into the pit by his feet. "ARES!" She yelled, rushing to stop the war god before something horrible should happen. Too late. Startled by the sudden appearance of his chosen, Ares momentarily lost his grip on Apollo and with that slip, sent his younger brother hurtling into the abyss. "Oh _shit_!" Ares yelled as Apollo fell. And fell. And, well you get the idea. Just when Ares was about to go into permanent hiding far from Greece, Apollo stopped his descent and appeared beside war god and warrior woman.

"How the......" Ares turned around to see his father standing behind the three, wearing a weary look on his face as he adjusted his robe. "Dad! Um...well you see, this is how it happened...Apollo had fell and then I saw him and then Xena she came and I was holdin him…and not like I was trying to get the Hind’s blood or any…." "Enough, son. I'm too tired to deal with this right now. We'll talk in the morning." With that, Zeus retreated back to the couch - where he had been trying to watch a few minutes of playgod TV before being interrupted by all of the commotion.

His face now a permanent shade of blue, Apollo hastily rushed back to the room, leaving Xena and Ares far behind. "Just what did you think you were doing?!" Xena questioned in full mother mode, complete with look and hands placed on hips. "I, um, well......Hey wait a minute! Stop that! You're my girlfriend....you can't make me go all stuttering and stuff!" Xena cocked an eyebrow at Ares. With an evil grin on her face, she then removed all distance from between them, pressed her body against his and wrapped her arms around his waist with their faces mere centimeters apart. "Um..I..B..Th...Ok sssoo maybe yyou can..." "Better..." Xena gave her boyish lover a bit more room to breathe, but still kept her arms around his waist. "So....you mad or something?" "Um..NO! Just don't do that again or you might lose the bet remember..." "No no no...you see the bet was that I couldn't go the entire weekend without blowing my top...I _always_ do stuff like that to Apollo. It's, like, how we bond."

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Thoroughly annoyed, Apollo shifting his position yet again, trying in vain to get comfortable. Although he had gotten to actually sleep in his bed, it had been a difficult fight. His older and somewhat larger brother had been intent on taking the bottom bunk, despite the small fact of it belonging to Apollo. Finally, after much fussing and many threats of bodily harm, the sun god promised to call Hera into the dispute, quickly putting an end to the argument since their mother would quickly send Xena to sleep in Aphrodite's room. But, even though he had won the right to sleep in his own bed, Apollo still couldn't get any rest. Not with the loud and sickening noises coming from the bunk above him. Creaks. Moans. The occasional 'Oh yeah' or 'More' breaking the silence of the room. 'Have these people no shame.....' Apollo thought with a sigh while he moved to his back and tried to shut out the couple. As he began to finally drift off, he was ripped from his light slumber as something wet dripped directly onto his forehead. "That's _it_!" Apollo yelled before grabbing his sheet and wiping his face.

"DAD! DAD GET IN HERE!" He screamed through the house, aprox. seven times before a drowsy god king appeared in the room. "What do you want, Apollo?" With a smug grin, Apollo threw on the lights to reveal Ares and Xena on the top bunk. Shamefully, the two sat looking at Zeus and waited for a verdict. "I told you we should have just waited for breakfast..." Xena whispered to Ares as their private banquet, complete with turkey, ham, stuffing, cobbler, pie and wine now running down to the bottom bunk, came into view. "You're kidding me, right?" Zeus questioned Apollo, who stood in the middle of the room with his hands on his hips and a 'see?' look on his face. "Good night, son. If you call me again and Ares isn't killing you - I'll do the job myself. Sweet dreams." With that Zeus disappeared to leave the couple to their feast and Apollo to sleep the night away shoved upside down in the closet for his troubles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A seriously angry pair of deep brown eyes peered from underneath the sheets. Dite was up. And when Dite was up, everyone else was too. 'Damn sisters....making stupid freakin noise all the time' He thought with a sigh as he rolled over to wrap his arms around Xena and perhaps get a few more minutes of sleep despite the amount of noise coming from the downstairs family room. Sadly, his affectionate embrace was met by air. 'Where did she.....' Throwing a robe over his black, silk, sword-covered boxers, the war god stormed downstairs in search for his chosen.

In the family room, Ares found the normal picture of family life Olympian style. His younger sister Aphrodite sitting happily in her pink heart PJs watching morning cartoons on the godtv, snuggled comfortably in the old quilt grandmother Rhea had made. _Right_ in front of the TV, with the volume on 'earbleeding', allowing no one else to see anything and not willing to move or even share the blanket. So, as usual, there sat Dite with cover and remote in a happy state of hogging-the-one-thing-everyone-wants-at-the-moment, and there sat the rest of the children, whining because Dite was hogging the one thing everyone wanted at the moment. But since Xena wasn't there, Ares simply moved on.

In the kitchen, he found his mom anxiously pacing the linoleum floor in her flannel robe, smoking a cigarette and sipping coffee (flavored with just a TAD bit ambrosia). "Morning, mother." Ares muttered through a yawn, giving Hera a peck on the cheek and fixing himself a cup of caffeine. "Oh, Ares! I'm going to have a nervous breakdown I just know it!" "What is it? Did Hermes steal any more damn cows?! I told him not to do tha....." Hera grabbed Ares by the arm as the god of war started to storm out of the room in search of his cattle thieving half brother. "No. Well, probably but that's not why I'm upset. Your father is still insisting on that bastard son of his coming to dinner tonight! This was supposed to be a nice family get together and now it's going to be ruined because of that sorry son of a Bacchae." Ares wrapped his arm around his mother and affectionately laid his chin on her shoulder. "Well, mom. Why don't we just try to make the best of the situation and show dad that we really can get along as a family." "WHAT?! Who are you and where is my son?!" Hera screamed as she grabbed Ares by the face and forced him to look her in the eyes.

"It's me! I just think that you shouldn't let this get to yo...."

"Oh, by the titans themselves, he's gotten to you too! My own son!"

"Mother, will you please calm down and let go of me!"

"No! Not until you explain why you haven't ran down that hall and tried to kill your father and that mongrel of a half-god, Hercules!

A shocked Ares pulled free from his mother's grasp and looked hesitantly around the room before whispering a hoarse "You mean he's here?!" "Yes, I mean he's here! Why else would I want you to ground him into hydra food?!" With a large grin, Ares grabbed the largest knife from the kitchen drawer and started to leave the room in order to rearrange vital body parts. Midstride, however, he ran right into his beloved princess. "Whoah! Down boy! Where in tarterous do you think you are going like that?!" Xena questioned as she entered the kitchen only to be nearly stabbed by the fuming Ares. "You better calm down, or you're losing the bet!" She admonished while taking the weapon from her lover. "But..I..Knife... _Hercules_..." "You're mumbling incoherently again, hon." "Sorry." With that, Ares wrapped his arms around Xena and moved to make a quick exit. Not quick enough.

"What in tarterous is she talking about, snookums?! Why isn't he dead yet?! I gave you that order an entire three seconds ago!!" With a skittish grin, Ares turned to his mother and tried to explain things calmly and rationally like an adult. "IKindaMadeABetWithDadThatICouldGoAWholeWeekendWithoutLosingMyTemperSoICan'tKillHerculesSorry." He quickly stuttered out before hiding behind Xena for much needed protection. "You _what_?!" "ButItIsWorthItCauseYouKnowHowMuchIWantCorinthAndIfIWinIGetItAndAthenaDoesnt!" With a sigh, Hera sat down at the kitchen table and put her head in her hands. Peeking over his beloved's shoulder, Ares saw with much surprise, that his mother wasn't trying to kill him. Yet.

"Mom...." No answer. "Mo-om?!" Approaching hesitantly, Ares lightly touched the queen of the gods on the shoulder. "You trying to remember where the hind's blood is?" He joked with a nervous laugh. Nothing. "You're not, right?!" Again, the war god received no response to his now frightened question. After a few pee-in-your-pants seconds of deadly silence, Hera looked up and spoke. "Go." she muttered quietly, without the slightest tinge of anger. "What?" "Go. I guess you can just kill Hercules...... _Tomorrow_ or something.....I guess..." With that, Hera put her head back in her hands and soon her shoulders were shuttering as sobs tore through her body. "Oh mom!" Ares rushed to comfort his saddened mother with a giant bearhug and a kiss on the cheek. "I'll take care of him, I promise!" At that, the war god purposely strode out of the kitchen, leaving a shell-shocked Xena in his wake.

"What the......" Xena asked in a bewildered tone as her lover gave into Hera's wishes. "But I...." "Nice try sweetcheeks but I _invented_ the fake sob, I'm-so'-pitiful routine. Score one for the god queen!" With a far too giddy grin, Hera disappeared in a flash of royal blue. Xena just slowly sighed and shook her head. "Gods...."

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

Elsewhere on the Olympic estate, a deliriously happy Athena walked through her father's prestigious gardens and peacefully took in the scenery. 'It's so calm and refreshing.....the air.....the trees.....the fact that soon I'll have beaten Ares yet again in front of the entire family.....the flowers are nice too....and the....' Mid-thought, Athena's mind was bombarded by her younger sister's urgent voice. _Athena!_ It echoed through her brain as the goddess of wisdom spun in circles, attempting to locate a source. _Athena!_ There it was again, loud as ever. _Who's there?!_ Athena asked loudly, trying to find who or what was calling to her.

In shrub near her path, a rustling noise began, resulting in the form of young Eris finally emerging. The goddess' look was disheveled and her steps were clumsy. "SSSHhhhhh....." Eris hushed loudly, spraying her older sister with a face full of spit.

"I nneed to go to the place with the powerful god peoples…”

“Olympus.”

“Yeah….”

“You are _on_ Olympus, little sister. What is the matter?”

“The war guy…”

“Ares?”

“Yeah, him. Trouble. With the slut girl, Diiiissscoooord.”

“What are you talking about?”

“She is mad. The secret…”

Eris promptly passed out. Athena, filled with a strange mixture of shock and giddiness, scanned the garden to see if she was alone. Part of her felt a deep sense of need and urgency to tell Ares what was happening. This small inkling of responsibility lasted all of three seconds and was pushed effectively out of the goddess’ brain by the thought of finally having war all to herself. Skipping happily, Athena disposed of the drunk Eris and returned to the palace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

In the magnificent throne room of Olympus, Hercules sat idly in his father’s throne and gazed around. “Comfortable?!” Zeus anxiously asked, after stuffing yet another pillow behind the half-god's neck. “Yeah…Good.” Was the normal, two-syllable reply as Ares stormed onto the scene.

”Dad?!”

”What now, boy, can’t you see I’m busy?!”

The war god spared a snarl in his brother’s direction before logically and thoughtfully stating his point of view. By throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the gleaming white marble. “….And everyone likes him better and you’re a mean dad and mom’s all mad at me and bitching about him and IT ISN’T FAIR!!” A statue greeted its' new existence as rubble. “What _are_ you going on about now, son?” The mighty Ares stood, dusted himself off, and continued to whine. “Look how you treat him! And me? I have to listen to Athena’s moaning about one thing or another, attempt to survive a Hestia speech, and share a room with Apollo. Then, to top it all off, ‘Porkules’ shows up! You just invited him to ruin our bet!” “Ares, Hercules was the whole point of the bet.” Ares kneaded a dark brow as his mind scanned quickly for a loophole. Nadda. There was no way escaping the pure and horrific fact that the god of war was going to be forced to act, of all things _civil_ towards Hercules. ‘Damn, this sucks ass!’ “Alright. Alright. But you just remember our deal. Corinth will be mine and then, half-wit, I can rid the world of your whole festering line.” With a huff, a spin, and perhaps a track of sinister music, Ares stormed out of the throne room. Hercules, newly given the information that the lives of all he loved were being used as poker chips in a high stakes game of the gods, looked to his father and said, “You made him listen to Hestia? No wonder the guy’s pissed!”

Xena walked into the family room, a scowl on her face. How dare that…that HARPY do that? The warrior princess was at the end of her rope. Hera had finally gone too far. ‘Queen of the gods or not, I’m the only one who can boss and push Ares around, damn it!’ Her mind set on revenge; she threw Artemis off the couch and sat down to watch a little godtv. All she saw was blonde hair and old blanket. “Aphrodite!” The goddess of love turned around from her position guarding the cartoons and the other immortals made their move. By all sibling logic, since the TV was unwatched, even for a moment, it was fair game for whoever wrenched the remote from their opponent’s beaten hand first.

Before Dite could react, the others had dived from their various positions on sofas, chairs, couches and carpet to wrestle for dominance.

”Ouch!”

”My hair!”

”Get off!”

”Die. Die. Diiiieeee!”

Surprised that the last scream came from Aphrodite (who was, at the moment, on Hermes back and beating him over the head with her slipper) and that she still couldn’t see the TV, Xena jumped up from her seat. After ripping the gods apart and giving Cupid his pants back, she grabbed the remote and flipped to Jerryiolus Springerite (Take that copy-write lawyers!). However, before Xena could thoroughly emerge herself in the incest, fighting and hot animal passion; the gods began fighting over the fragile looking quilt on the floor. “Hey! Could you guys, kinda, stop! Or at least fight away from the TV…..” Then, war broke out.

Literally. Ares stormed into the room, saw that _he_ didn’t have what everyone else wanted, and promptly blew the eon old quilt into tiny old pieces. “Oooooh!” Artemis squealed, her eyes growing wide. “You, like, broke gramma’s quilt! Man, is dad gonna be really….” “Huh? That wwas….Oh shit……” The rest of the group smartly ran to their various rooms to claim complete ignorance when Zeus fried Ares extra crispy.

~~Solstice Eve - That Evening~~

Once again, the various immortal beings of Greece gathered in the banquet hall of Olympus; the only difference being that now they were all dressed in their finest. Xena, with Ares on her arm, walked into the hall and gave a sigh of relief. Her boytoy didn’t rush towards the sitting Hercules (even though the favorite son of Zeus was, at the moment, reclining in Ares’ seat) and that was a miracle. The warrior princess was dressed in a tight fitting, single strap black dress with blood red adorning. Ares, who had forgotten about the black tie rule, zapped a few diamonds onto his vest as he walked up the hall and prayed to himself that his mother didn’t realize it.

"Where's the bard?" Ares muttered in Xena's ear as they lurked by the door. Xena gave a shrug and continued to gaze around the crowded room. As if on cue, the blonde bard of Potedia chose that moment to approach the couple, a bright smile beaming on her tan face. Gabrielle was wearing a elegantly arranged gold wrap that frightenly matched Athena's dress perfectly.

"Well that's just scary..." Ares looked past Gabrielle to see Athena approaching, the two blondes looking like freaky twins. "Is this some kind of bitch solidarity thing or...OUCH!" Ares rubbed his arm where Xena just punched him and watched the women talk.

"So...Having fun, Gabrielle?"

Gabrielle, her free flowing locks forming riglets around her face, turned up her nose in true Athenian fashion. "Ofcourse I am, Xena. I've learned a great deal from Athena last night...What is so funny, Ares?!"

Ares, who was now on the floor holding his sides as he roared with laughter, looked up with innocent brown eyes and promptly started again. His joy was cut off by a solid kick to his back by Athena's perfectly polished gold heels. "I know you are used to being at my feet, Ares, but have a little dignity." Athena took Gabrielle by the arm and the two walked away, not before Athena turned back, calling out "Oh and I hope you enjoy the new seating arrangement, brother. I heard dad is going to put you at the kiddie table with Strife and Bliss again."

This time, Xena didn't have to hold Ares back. That was only because the war god couldn't decide who to kill first : Athena or Hercules. Xena, realizing the coming disaster, excused herself from Ares and walked over to where Zeus sat. "Excuse me, Zeus."

Zeus looked up from cutting up Hercules' food to briefly mutter a "What?". The two whispered for a moment and Xena left the conversation with a smug grin on her face.

"What was that about, princess?", Ares asked as Xena returned. His chosen simply shook her head and watched Zeus rise to call the room to attention.

"Quiet! Quiet! Ares, stop talking, damn it! Anyway, I have a change to announce. It has been brought to my attention that the seating arrangement for tonight needs revising so will you all please stand back." With wonder on their respective faces, the assembled moved back and waited. Zeus waved his hand, happy to show off that he still had powers on Olympus, and the banquet table was replaced by many large, circular tables. On the tables, name cards were placed.

"That is all. Find your name and sit the tarterous down."

Ares stared at Xena, wondering how in the world she pulled the stunt off. Xena shrugged her shoulders, giving her 'I-have-many-skills-stupid' look before pulling him along to find their seat. After pushing through the crowd, the couple found themselves seated at the table beside Zeus'. Hercules was, ofcourse, sitting with his father, stepmother, Athena and Gabrielle. At their table sat Hephestas, Aphrodite and Apollo.

"How did you do that, warrior babe?", Aphrodite asked as she looked up from powdering her face to see the two approaching.

"Oh, it was easy. I convinced Zeus that Ares would just hate the idea of not sitting at the 'head' table and would probably blow his top. I knew that Zeus wouldn't risk sitting Hercules and Ares together and would want Herc with him anyway. That way, no scene and no war god losing the bet." Xena caught sight of Ares glaring at the neighboring table and sighed. "Yet..."

Very smartly, Aphrodite tried to change the subject. "So...Ar. Xe. Like, what's up with you two love birds? Any little kiddies in the future?"

Xena looked at Ares who suddenly became extremely solemn. "I don't do kids, Aphrodite." The warrior princess could have sworn she saw Dite twitch but she dismissed it. Ares, obviously annoyed with the goddess, turned to Hephestas. "You finish that batch of sword I ordered forever ago."

Hephestas simply shook his head in his usual, never talks kinda way. Aphrodite attempted to lighten the mood. "Well...We all know when Hephie puts his lil mind on something, it has to be just right. I bet those swords are gonna be great, huh baby?!" Hephestas nodded and kissed Aphrodite on the cheek.

Xena looked to Ares, wanting smootchies of her own, but her lover was suddenly in a horrible mood. "What is the matter?!"

"Nothing, babe, I just want this over. I'm sick of not blowing stuff up. I mean, shit. Apollo is just begging for it and I can't touch him!" Xena looked over at Apollo, who was trying his best to not ask for it and doing a pretty good damn job. "See?! Breathing all loud and looking at me! Grrr!"

Thankfully, Hera took that moment to gather the room's attention. "Hello, everyone. It's so nice that everyone is together tonight and I hope that nothing bad happens. That would be horrible, I'm sure." Hera looked directly at Ares, who just growled and laid his head down. "Anyway, I'd just like to give a brief announcement about my youngest, Eris." Ares rose his head and the love couple removed themselves from each other to look. "She didn't come home last night and I'm a bit afraid she forgot how to teleport again. If anyone sees her in their domain upon leaving, beep me. Thanks."

"That sounds bad, Ares." Xena, however, did not know Eris. Ares laughed and shook his head.

"Mom is so overprotective when it comes to Rissy, just cause she her baby and all. She probably got drunk off her ass again and tried to start a fight between livestock. She'll show up, she always does. The Trojan war, for example. Eris was gone for four months and then just popped in to th..."

Saddly, Ares was all too correct. Eris, at that exact moment, appeared in the middle of the room. Her hair was matted to her head and her hands were tied behind her back. Her feet were also bound, so the goddess of strife and discord fell like a felled oak onto the marble. Since the gag in her mouth prevented her from speaking, the assembled did not learn any new words.

Both Athena and Ares jumped up to reach their younger sister but Ares got their first. Athena looked severly pissed as Ares untied Eris and helped her to her feet. "Thanks, bro!", Eris said happily as she moved her lanky limbs freely. "Being tied up, gagged and left for dead isn't as fun as it sounds..."

"What happened, Rissy?" Aphrodite had joined the group, still liking her little sis despite the obvious fashion mistakes ('Like black leather is so out...and what's with the flames?!?').

Athena looked around nervously. "It was nothing, right Eris?"

"Ofcourse it was something, dumb ass! I, um, just can't remember what it was..."

Athena breathed a sigh of relief and inwardly thanked the stars for Eris being a drunk. "Oh sit down, everyone. She was obviously intoxicated and...well, she probably tied herself up!" Athena turned smartly and with her father. Everyone nodded their agreements, knowing that Eris never went to the Ambrosiaholics Anonymous meetings like she was supposed to. As the group was returning to their seats, Eris finally remembered.

"Holy centaur shit, I just remembered! I was supposed to come warn Ares about Discord and someone tied me up first. That part is kinda blurry but the warning is plain as day!" Eris folded her arms across her chest, happy with herself for remembering.

Discord, drinking from a gold goblet and flirting with a sea nymph, looked up with a shocked look on her pale face. "Huh?! I'm not planning anything. Atleast not right now...I might later but..."

Eris interrupted her creation, a previous Solstice present gone wrong (damn slave girl slipped some ambrosia), with an annoyed growl. "Don't play dumb! I know that I was supposed to come warn Ar cause you were gonna tell everyone about his big secret and it would be bad if they found out that he has..."

With great agility for one so large and powerless, Ares hopped from his seat and covered Eris' mouth. "What is your fucking problem?!?! She said she didn't do it, which I believe, because she doesn't know about that! So shut the fuck up, Rissy!" A vein could be seen pulsing on Ares' neck from the farest corners of the hall.

Eris nodded slowly and Ares removed his hand. "Sorry bro. Just remembered that I dreamed that! I get confused sometimes!" She gave a small giggle before turning to Hera. "Hey mommy, can I go get some more clothes for dinner?" Hera nodded her conscent and Ares sat back down. The group began to murmer amongst themselves as walked to the doorway.

Shaking her head as she walked away, Eris laughed to herself and spoke her thoughts aloud. "I can't believe I almost told everyone that Ar has been screwing Dite! That would have been really bad...and uh oh." Eris turned around to see the entire room staring at her, some with food hanging halfway from their mouths. Ares was one of the food hangers as he almost pissed on himself. The war god distinctly heard what sounded like Aphrodite fainting to the floor.

A chorus of what's, in varying degrees of loudness, erupted around the war god as the eyes began to turn from Eris and to himself. None of these people mattered though, for all Ares cared about was the doorway. He must get away from Hephestas, He must get away from Hephestas...

Hephestas was shell-shocked. Looking from his wife on the floor to the retreating Ares, he realized the truth. Before Ares could escape, a chair was sent flying towards the back of his head. Direct hit. Ares was sent sprawling, face first, to the marble. Athena, a grin on her face the size of Atlas, jumped to her feet.

Athena looked to Eris, hands on hips. "So you are saying that Ares, the pathetic god of massacre, went against a decree of Zeus? As we all know, Aphrodite was given to Hephestas by Zeus himself so that would mean that Ares *defied* the king of the gods, right?!?!"

Ares, still on the ground, was at first thankful when Xena jumped up. But it wasn't in his aid. It was if everyone had forgotten about him. He was happy - very happy. "What do you mean, given?!", Xena questioned in Zeus' direction. "You people just *give* women away?!?! No wonder Aphrodite went to Ares! I wouldn't want to be stuck in a relationship that..." Xena tappered off as she noticed the glares returning to Ares. "Ok...I'm not really helping am I?" She sits.

Athena calls the room back to the point (atleast in her view). "Look. He disobeyed a decree from Zeus and slept with another god's wife! The guilty should be condemned!"

A squeaky 'condemned?' came from the floor. Ares looked around for help, finding only Eris. The goddess strode to the middle of the room, winking to Ares as she passed. "Let's not be so harsh here! Condemned? We don't really know, people! We can't even convict Ares yet! There is no *real* evidence that Cupid is Ares' son! Oh shit..."

Cupid, a few tables away with his wife, broke into a grin. "You're fucking me?! I knew I had to have a cool dad!" He ripped off his wings and threw the love arrows to the ground. "Forget this wussy shit!" Psyche just looked sick at the thought of the things she had done with her father-in-law.

Ares jumped to his feet, shaking his head. "Last time I ask the goddess of Discord for help..." Eris looked around, wanting to help. Finally, she pulled a golden apple from her pocket and tossed it to the ground. Everyone simply looked at her. She gave a 'It-worked-last-time' shrug before hiding behind Artemis.

Hephestas looked with pleading eyes, to his wife who had woken up and was watching the scene with tears. "I'm so soorry, Hephiee! B-Baby, please forgive meee! I'm..I'm..S-Sorrrrryyyyyyy!!" She wailed, clinging to her pink hanky. "You couldn't get it up, remember, and and I wanted a little baby so baddly..." That was all the god needed.

Not really caring about Olympus politics at the moment, Hephestas blasted Ares with a huge fireball. Unexpectantly, the powerful bolt sent Ares into a neighboring wall with a loud thud. Again, jaws dropped.

Finally, Cupid spoke what they were all thinking while staring at the groggy war god. "Wait! Ares…I mean dad….or whatever, he is the oldest. That shouldn’t have hurt, right?" All eyes moved from Ares to Hera as the queen began to shuffle awkwardly.

"Ok, Ok. I give. Heph is the oldest. He just came out a bit deformed so Zeus disowned him and threw him off of Olympus. What?! I mean, come on. LOOK at him. Ares may be a jackass but atleast he's a cute little jackass!" Zeus looked livid but Hera just shrugged.

Now knowing he could seriously whoop Ares' ass, Hephestas blasted his brother again, just as Ares was standing. That blast was enough to send the war god through a wall and off of Olympus. Hephestas followed. The assembled just stared at each other.

*****A few hours later*****

The group mingles, wondering what happened to Ares but not stupid enough to get between him and Hephestas when the door bursts open. In it stands Hades, pulling behind him two very tired gods. Both Ares and Hephestas were soaked but only Ares looked seriously worse for the wear. Eris, seeing the look on Ares' face, stopped crawling around looking for her apple and ran to the back of the room.

"Lose something, brother? Cerberus dragged them to my palace after they knocked Cheron off his boat." Hades fumed, throwing the brothers to in front of Zeus. When Zeus didn't react with the same anger, Hades stopped his foot. "He says he’ll sue. He’s even got Johnny Cochran!"

Zeus looked to his forlorn, pale brother and sighed. "Get up you two. It's alright, Hades, I've got it from here." Zeus turned his attention to Ares. "I suppose getting the shit beat out of you in front of your girlfriend and losing your title as the heir to my throne was enough of a punishment. Now go to your room!"

Ares stared at his dad. "What?! I don't even...This isn't fair!" Ares starts to leave but suddenly cold cocks Hephestas in the face, sending the god to the ground. "I did *not* lose to him! HA!" Ares was about to leave but he caught Athena laughing.

"Oh, Ares. You really shouldn't have lost your temper!" Athena gloaded as she did her I-won dance with accompaining jiggle. Ares just stared.

"She's right, boy. Athena wins Corinth. Now go!" Zeus looked from Ares, who was still just looking out into space, and to Hades. "Thanks for bringing them home. Hey, when you’re not busy kidnapping chicks and talking to dead people, come by. We can play dice or something." Zeus walked away laughing.

At that moment, so many things happened that even watching it in slow motion on the portal didn't unravel what happened (and Zeus tried). Someone hit the king of the gods in the back of the head with a bust of Hestia while Athena slipped on Eris' apple during her dance and knocked Hera into the punch bowl right as Ares was attempting to blast the goddess of wisdom. The blast went past Athena and hit Poisedon (sp?) in the face. A royal rumble broke out from there, everyone hitting someone and getting hit by someone.

Apollo was found in the gravy, again, but the rest basically got bored with fighting and stopped after a while. When the dust cleared, Ares and Xena were gone. Zeus, carrying a large bump on his head from the bust, didn't care enough to look for them and just went to bed.

**  
  
**

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**  
  
**Prologue** ·  
**

  * Eris finds her apple and goes on to ruin elections in Florida with something called a ‘butterfly ballot’ · 
  * Gabrielle and Athena start a movement called "Subtext" as they exploit Xena's fame and twist her adventures under the name of Renessaince pictures. [Had to do it!] · 
  * Bambi had a nervous breakdown and quit after Athena left · 
  * Zeus goes on to mentor future president William Clinton · 
  * Hephestas and Aphrodite seek counseling but she eventually leaves him for Pan. Those two move to Spain and live in a studio apartment selling love beads to tourists. · 
  * Cupid is arrested for smuggling drugs into the United States in heart-shaped boxes. He is now serving a 20-year sentence in a maximum-security prison in Thebes. · 
  * Discord can now be reached at 1800-GET-A-HO. · 
  * Hestia writes speeches for Al Gore. · 
  * Apollo opens a nice flower shop in San Francisco. · 
  * Cheron settles with the underworld corporation outside of court for an undisclosed amount of money. · 
  * Ares finds his inner child, forgets his evil ways and is a recurring guest on Oprah - NOT! (The sign on his inner chambers still reads, 'If this temple is a rocking, don't come a knocking'...)



**  
  
**

_-No Olympians were harmed during the making of this motion picture. We did kill Hercules. Just for the hell of it. Or tarterous...whatever.-_

(I have to give a super big thanks to by bug Deleeny, whose bitching caused this piece of shit to be finished - finally. Send hate mail to her...If you dare. Mwhahahaha...)  
ERIS OUT

 


End file.
